Wont return the favor

Dear Trap Mary,

I've been seeing this guy for about 3months now, and we're in a very sexual relationship. When we're doing foreplay i'm always the one giving oral, and he doesn't return the favor. How. Can I get him to do it. Should I ask him? What to do I don't want to stop messing with him, but I want him to go down. Help!

Signed,

Would like the good Pay Back!

 

Dear Pay Back,

I hear this story so often, and though it is a common issue among some couples (both men and women), it certainly is not fair. Nor is it satisfying, which is the primary reason for couples making love (outside of the need to reproduce). The fact that it's happening in your relationship could mean several things; lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of experience, lack of interest, etc. You must first find the source of the problem. Starting there will help you better understand the severity of the issue.

 

#1- If it's something as simple as lack of experience (ie; he is afraid to perform beneath your standards), then you'll have to first get him to agree to work on that aspect of your sexual relationship and secondly be very clear on what would feel good to you.

 

#2- If it's lack of communication (ie; you just "expect" him to do it because you've been doing, but it's not been talked about between the two of you), then you'll simply have to be open and honest with him and explain to him that you, too, would like to have oral sex performed on you.

 

#3- If it's lack of trust (ie; he is afraid that you will tell other people about his act or that he may get a std from doing it), then the severity of the problem is extreme. Sexual relations between two consenting adults should never take place if trust is not present. And though this may sound insulting (though it's not intended to), because safe-sex isn't practiced as often as it should during the oral acts, the possibility of catching a STD from mouth to penis,mouth to vagina, or mouth to anus without the use of protection is extremely high (we know that the mouth carries bacteria, but do we realize that the vagina does as well? The mouth also often has open sores from lip biting, gum bleeding/disease, biting of one's tongue, etc. The possibility of herpes, HPV, etc being present could mean the transmittal of disease from the vagina through the mouth and into the body/bloodstream), On the flip side, if your man doesn't believe that you are his only sexual partner, he may be hesitant to extend oral satisfaction towards you because he doesn't "know where (you've) been" and doesn't want to "eat" behind someone else. It's understandable, but the two of you really need to work on trust issues=communication if trust is the issue.

 

#4- If lack of interest is the issue, then sadly there isn't much that you can do. We cannot "make" people feel for us what they do not. If he's only "sleeping" with you with no true interest to be with you, then you need to STOP, DROP, and ROLL! Don't waste any more time or energy (or favors) on a guy who doesn't plan to be with you in the long run. Too many times we, as women, use ourselves up trying to find "Mr. Right", which by the time we do makes us feel like "Mrs. Wrong".

 

Think all of these possible causes out before you make your next move. Never act before thinking anything out, especially when it comes to relationship moves or financial ones. It's better to wait for the answer to come to your while thinking clearly than to blurt out something you may live to regret later. Just know that you are not the only woman who has gone through this, and you will not be the last. And, Baby, men go through it, too. And even though Oral Sex is still a "taboo" topic of conversation, it's a real part of a sexual relationship and should be handled and practiced both seriously and fairly. Mutual satisfaction is always better than one person being left feeling unsatisfied or less important.

 

I hope this helps, and let's not forget: Communication is ALWAYS the key!

Good Luck,

DearTrapMary